Losing Your Words (We're Speaking In Bodies)
by thecommandersgirl
Summary: "You think our ways are harsh, but it's how we survive." What might have happened if Clarke was ready to be with someone?


"You sent for me?"

Lexa looked up at the sound of Clarke's voice and regarded the girl in front of her, who stood defensively, with shoulders tense and an expression that made Lexa sure that she could take down an entire army with just one look. Her head was tilted slightly as if in thought, and as if trying to figure out why she was still willing to take orders from the Commander whose tent she now voluntarily found herself standing in.

"Yes."

The syllable was short and clipped. Lexa was unsure of where to look, with the uncomfortable awkwardness of their earlier encounter still hanging thick in the air. Words bubbled below the surface, but speaking was difficult, with Lexa knowing that she had threatened this alliance by disregarding Clarke's assurances that Octavia wouldn't be an issue for them.

It was even harder to speak knowing that decision could have lost her Clarke.

The commander swallowed, not allowing herself to break eye contact with the girl in front of her, not even for a second. No matter how hard this was, no matter how hard it was to admit her judgement had been wrong, she knew she had to do this. Forcing herself to push against her pride, Lexa continued.

"Octavia has nothing to fear from me."

The firmness of Lexa's voice did not betray how loud the voices of reason in her mind shouted at her to take the words back and to regain the position of authority between the two girls. She knew how to rule and how to command. She knew how to lead whole armies into battle and to do so with a confidence that struck ice into the hearts of her enemies. This feeling of self-deprecation, however, was unsettling.

Clarke's expression gave nothing away of her thoughts. Her eyes stayed stern and her gaze level. Those eyes burned into Lexa, and this time, she knew she had to look away so as to finish what she'd started.

"I do trust you, Clarke."

It was just five words, but each one wrapped around Lexa's tongue and begged not to be set free into the space between the two leaders. Each word clung to her throat and caused the pounding of blood through her ears to intensify, as if in rebellion against the voicing of such vulnerability. Such weakness.

A tension filled the air; it flickered between the pair, unusual and unexpected. Lexa's jaw was tight and her hands at her side clamped and unfurled slowly as she tried to find a way to figure out what came next. Before she had a chance to do anything, Clarke took a step towards her.

"I know how hard that is for you."

It was said with tenderness that Lexa hadn't heard directed at her in a long time, and her heart lurched for a second at how that tenderness made her think of Costia, but at the same time, there was an anger in her that simmered at the thought of being pitied. This girl stood beside her knew nothing of the ways of her people, nothing of what she has gone through to be where she was, and yet she stood before her and claimed to understand?

At that, Lexa looked at Clarke once more and then turned to face her, head on.

"You think our ways are harsh, but it's how we survive."

She didn't have to raise her voice or strengthen her tone. Her eyes hardened with the thoughts of the girl she had lost through unbridled emotions, and standing in front of Clarke, the girl she was willing to trust despite her people's protests and, perhaps, her better judgement, the pain on her face could have been read by a blind man. But that didn't stop Clarke.

"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving...don't we deserve better than that?"

The words caught Lexa off-guard and seemed to whip away her breath. Her eyes grew wide and, for the first time, Clarke found herself stood looking at the girl who was only a few months older than herself; she no longer looked like the warrior and commander that she'd been forced to become, but instead, a girl her own age, looking fragile and bewildered and vulnerable.

Vulnerable and so very, very beautiful.

Even as Clarke looked away, Lexa's eyes didn't leave her face. They scanned her eyes that had turned to face the floor before trailing down to her mouth, where they stayed as a silence settled over the pair.

"Maybe we do," Lexa answered before she could stop herself, eyes still trained on the girl's lips and her voice no more than a whisper. Clarke's eyes flickered to rest on the commander's face and as their eyes locked, Lexa felt her right hand rise up to tenderly cup Clarke's face as she moved forward and pushed her mouth against Clarke's. She didn't expect the kiss to be returned - she hadn't expected to initiate a kiss at all - but to her surprise, it was and suddenly, Lexa couldn't think about anything other than the girl stood in front of her.

Lexa's hand dropped to grip Clarke's shoulder, and she felt the other leader's hand rest against her waist and pull her gently closer. Their mouths moved softly against one another's, tentative and tender for a minute or two, before Clarke moved away abruptly. Lexa's hands jolted away from the other girl's body, and the reality of the situation descended rapidly on the Commander.

"Lexa...what are we doing?" Clarke's breathing was laboured as she took a single step backwards. Her weight shifted from one leg to the other as she waited for a reply. Lexa found herself simply staring at the younger girl, unable to tear her eyes away as Clarke's name repeated like a mantra in her head and her body cried out at the loss of what she'd waited so long for. Wordlessly, Lexa stepped forward, closing the space between them again and placing her hands on Clarke's shoulders, their faces so close their foreheads practically touched.

"Living," Lexa whispered, feeling Clarke's breath catch at the word, and that was it. Clarke's hands were suddenly grasping at Lexa's hair and pulling her face roughly towards her own, smashing their lips together with a fervour that was lacking the first time but now burned through both girls' bodies, settling deep in their stomachs and making them hungry for something they'd both convinced themselves they couldn't have.

Clarke's hands found Lexa's shoulders and Lexa felt them push her backwards, gentle but firm, until her own hands felt the cold wood of the table behind her. At that, she pushed herself up to perch on the table's edge, not breaking the kiss, and slid her hands slowly above the hem of Clarke's top. At feeling the calloused fingertips of the Commander brush the soft skin of her stomach, Clarke shivered, her head tilting back and her eyes closing as a small gasp escaped her mouth.

Lexa's mouth turned up in a small smirk at the way Clarke reacted to such a small gesture, and Clarke's eyes flickered open, catching the older girl's gaze. Both of them stopped, frozen in the moment, as if the meeting of their eyes had rendered them both powerless, and they remained that way until, eventually, Clarke's hands reached to untie Lexa's jacket. Lexa allowed her to remove it, and every item of clothing after that, and the act of witnessing such moments of vulnerability and submissiveness from the usually dominating leader instead gave Clarke a reason to smirk in success.

So too did the fact that, no more than five minutes later, Lexa was sprawled on the bed of animal furs and woven blankets, back arching and pants breaking from her pretty lips as Clarke's fingers worked inside her. Even in the dimmed light of the tent, Clarke could make out the scars that littered Lexa's skin. They were scars that she had earned through countless battles, no doubt, and the thought of the girl in front of her being put in such danger made a wave of protectiveness roll over Clarke, strong and unable to be ignored.

"You're beautiful," Clarke breathed against Lexa's neck, her lips grazing against her ear, "you're so, so beautiful, Lexa."

Lexa's hand came up to rest against Clarke's cheek in response and she opened her mouth as if to speak, but then Clarke crooked her fingers in a way she hadn't quite managed before, and gasps and moans fell from Lexa's lips instead, her eyes dark but so bright and so alive that it took Clarke's breath away. Their lips connected, slow and hot, as their tongues danced to a song they both thought they had long forgotten how to sing.

Watching Lexa reach her climax minutes later was one of the most unimaginably beautiful things Clarke had ever seen in her eighteen years.

Afterwards, the two leaders lay together, their limbs tangled under layers of fur and their eyes staring up to the draped sheets of the tent's ceiling. After an age of comfortable silence, Clarke's eyes drifted to Lexa, whose brow was furrowed and whose expression was pensive.

"What are you thinking about?" Clarke whispered as she watched the Commander's chest rise and fall underneath the covers, mesmerised by the steady movement and the intimacy of the sight. Lexa's eyes remained fixed on the ceiling, and for a moment, Clarke wasn't sure she was going to answer.

"It does not matter," she replied quietly, turning her head to face the younger girl and smiling softly to reassure her, though the smile didn't quite reach her eyes before she returned to watching the frail beams of light that shone through the woven tent, as if her mind were departing from the bed and the tent where her body lay and travelling to a place far beyond where Clarke could hope to reach her.

"Lexa?" Clarke says, her voice laced with concern.

"It is nothing," Lexa assured her, shaking her head slightly, but her eyes remained stubbornly fixed on the particles of dust that swirled through the air of the tent above their heads, the only witnesses to the scene that had played out in the Commander's tent.

With a voice thick with affection and sympathy, Clarke couldn't help but ask, "It's Costia, isn't it?" because she knew she was right, and she knew how it felt to love and to lose, and if she was honest, she had thought about Finn briefly, whilst lying there in the silence, and the thought had brought a painful tightness to her chest that felt strangely like betrayal, although quite why, she wasn't sure.

At her words, Clarke felt Lexa's body tense beside her before she sighed quietly. A single tear streaked through the remnants of Lexa's war paint, pulling a trail of the black dust down her cheek and to her jaw, where it stopped and pooled before dripping onto the taut skin of her neck and collarbone. The sight made Clarke's heart hurt.

"Lexa, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"No, Clarke. There is no need to apologise." Lexa's voice was as strong as ever, and were it not for that solitary tear, the inner emotions of the Commander would have been expertly hidden from the world under a mask of confidence and self-assurance. Silence descended once more and, after waiting a few moments, Clarke returned to staring at the ceiling too, weighing up whether to leave the other girl to her thoughts and her privacy or to stay and risk overstaying her welcome. As she considered the options, Lexa continued to speak, her voice low and soft.

"I have only ever felt emotions like this for one person. She was mine..." Lexa swallowed, her eyes closing with the action before opening again, "...and I was hers. Relations between my people are often secretive and guarded, but me and Costia...Clarke, everyone could see the way I looked at her. When she was taken by the Ice Nation, I feared that the worst would come to pass, but I was hopeful that they would show her mercy. When they did not, I thought I would never get over the pain...I thought I would never find another who would me make me feel the way she did."

Lexa took a long breath and turned to Clarke once more, her hand reaching to toy with a strand of Clarke's hair.

"But then I found you. I swore I would never allow myself to love another like I loved Costia, but Clarke...Clarke, you remind me so much of her..."

Fresh tears pooled in Lexa's eyes, but they didn't spill over. The corners of her mouth pulled into a smile that wasn't sad, but merely nostalgic; the result of bittersweet memories of a love she had lost too soon. Seeing Lexa allow herself the privilege of feeling without limits or restriction made another fresh wave of protectiveness flow over Clarke, striking hot in her chest. She placed her hand delicately on Lexa's cheek to wipe away the remnants of the stray tear before kissing her, slowly and innocently, as if trying to communicate all the comforting words she longed to say in one silent action.

When they eventually broke apart, their bodies were flush against each other and it seemed impossible for any two people to be any closer than they were in that moment. Lexa's eyes had cleared of tears and, in the light of the evening sun that streaked through the tent, they shone a brilliant green that reminded Clarke of the first time she'd seen the forest when she left the drop-ship on her first day on Earth.

"I love you, Lexa," Clarke said, with that same amazement she had felt on her first day reflected in her voice. It was all she could think to say and all she felt needed to be said in that moment and the way Lexa's eyes lit up in a way she had never seen before only made her more certain that the girl in front of her was all she wanted.

"I love you too, Clarke of the Sky People," Lexa returned, her smile radiant and her eyes filled with fondness and warmth, and for the first time since before Costia's death, Lexa felt her heart swell at the thought of being loved by another and loving in return.


End file.
